exile in kidville

roller coaster

CD 37.  i had forgotten how exhausting this roller coaster ride is. 

that said, i think i really did ovulate late in my cycle.  opks went negative and the ewcm dried up.  temping would be a nice confirmation but hard to accomplish when you never know when your 12 month old will wake up. 

this extended cycle has been a bit much for both the Husband and i.  when you're ready to fall asleep by 8pm it's hard to add procreating into the mix.  the timed sex was hard before we had a kid but now it seems extra onerous.  i know how lucky we are to still be able to try in our own bedroom -- i get that, i do, and i'm grateful. 

i'm bummed out about this weird cycle though.  i knew i would be the minute things didn't go as expected.  it makes sense though.  that week that i was getting high readings on the monitor but never peaked was also Auden's orientation week at day care and my transition back into work.  a stressful time to say the least. 

trying to focus on the positives though.  Husband and i only managed to get out pants off once during the flurry of positive opks, but once is all it supposedly takes, no?

CD 31 and wtf? (updated)

okay, this will certainly be a TMI post, but here goes.

i woke up this morning with tons of EWCM and am still swimming in it.  today is CD 31.  my average cycle length is 33 - 34 days.

i kept dismissing it as the increase of fluid that can happen before your period is about to start, but it kept bugging me.  i was at the store and bought some waaay too expensive OPKs.  i just peed on one and the little bugger is positive.  wtf? 

i wish i was temping but just can't with Auden's wacky wake up times. 

any ideas, ladies?

(update:  peed on HPT -- a good, fancy one too -- this AM and it is as negative as it gets....  i almost had myself convinced i was pregnant after nearly googling myself to death last night.  this plus the extreme fatigue, slight nausea, and tender b00bs...  i suppose it's the sickness that has been going around our house and just the fact that i'm simply tired.  sigh.  will OPK later today.)

low, low, low

thank god.  the stupid monitor asked for it's 20th stick of this cycle this morning.  i went from 8 straight days of high to a much welcomed low.  i'm a bit miffed that i failed to see a peak reading, but more pleased that it stopped this parade of highs.  i *think* i actually did ovulate, but who can say with my silly body.  as this monitor is a hand-me-down (thanks again, ms. spock!) it is likely confused between my body and ms. spock's.  i do find it a bit suspicious that it read low on the last stick on the box, but whatever.  it feels like it is through tormenting me for the month and that is just fine with me. 

in other news, i'm back at work.  not today as yesterday afternoon was a disgusting comedy of projectile vomiting from my son after he awoke from his nap.  poor little guy.  we were both absolutely covered in puke.  no daycare until he is free of ill bodily functions for 24 hours so what was supposed to be my first full day back at the salt mines is not going to happen.  i'm sad he's sick, but happy to be home with him. 

i spared you the saga of waiting to see if we would in fact get a spot at said day care.  thank god we did -- after being on the wait list since i was about 13 weeks pregnant.  the kicker is that i now have a reduced appointment and only need three days of care, but we're paying for a full time spot as that is all they had available.  apparently there are a certain number of full time spots and a certain number of part time spots.  we're hoping to only have to pay for part time come june but time will tell.

the transition has been brutal.  toward the end of april we began "visiting" which entailed 30-40 minute visits with mom and dad (sometimes just me) in tow.  may 4th began our true gradual entry starting with my leaving him for one hour on monday and building up to six hours by Friday.  all i can say is that it's horrible leaving him.  i absolutely hate it.  i miss him so much.  the day care is awesome, the women who work there are truly truly wonderful, and he actually really seems to like it.  he gets excited when we walk in the door and sometimes i really have to convince him that it's actually time to go home.  he is napping okay there too, which surprised me.  they put the babes in old english prams outside to nap.  when they showed them to me, i looked at it skeptically and declared that my child would NEVER sleep in that thing.  i was assured with a kind, knowing smile that every mom says the same thing.   sure enough, the first day he napped there i called and was informed that after a minute of rocking he went right to sleep and they even wheeled him outside even though they usually keep them inside one of the bedrooms until they get used to it.  i know these women are professionals, but seriously?  it's amazing.  how well he is doing does please me and i'm sure it makes the transition easier, but it is bittersweet.  if he's happy he doesn't need me.  if he sleeps well there he doesn't need me.  i know deep down that isn't true, but still.  it's brutal leaving him there.  i so wish i could stay home with him until he is school age.  unfortunately i just can't.  the fact that i'm not very enamoured with my job doesn't help.  not one bit.  i mutter under my breath all day about stupid librarians and stupid grad students who don't even know what the library catalogue is.  sigh.  i miss my baby.

i keep up on all of you, though i'm lousy at showing it.  i'll likely have more time to comment now that i'm back at work though. . .

here is auden with icing in his hair during his first birthday party.  we put the cake (i made him a delicious baby-friendly cake!) on the floor and let him and his pals have at it.  it was great fun.  what a little guy.  every day with him is just so very amazing.  i can't believe he's one.

  

wtf?

CD 24 and still the monitor reads high. 

I think IT is high.  High of another variety.

This is day 8 of continous high readings.  I've one stick left in a box of 20.  Not sure if I should carry on or just wait for next cycle.  I want the monitor to "get to know me" but this wooing process is quite expensive... (and ridiculous).

CD 21

this is my first cycle using the fertility monitor graciously passed down to me by Mrs. Spock.  i have to tell you, it's driving me crazy.  today is CD 21 and i'm on my 5th day of "high fertility."  i was thrilled to see high at all, but am wondering about the reliability of this gadget.  fertility fiend is assuming that i ovulated on CD 19 (as apparently i always did in my FF charting days.  who knew?) even though i've yet to receive a peak reading from the monitor.  i'm not charting temperature as it's too difficult with a babe who needs to nurse as soon as he wakes in the morning, so i'm relying solely on the monitor. 

so i ask you -- have you ever used this monitor?  if so, how did you find it?  i've always had long, irregularish cycles (avg. 33 days).  do you think the monitor is just getting to know me?  or is it always this frustrating?

xomegan

happy birthday, baby

at 4:38pm on April 29th, 2008, the light of my life was born.  since that moment, time has poured through my hands.  happy birthday little man.  we love you so much.

you have grown from this little guy:

to this little guy:

  

in no time at all. 

you're simply amazing, and become more amazing each day.  watching you grow is the greatest joy in my life.  it seems as if every day you learn something new, and teach me something new.  i love you so, so much.  

happy birthday, Auden!

CD2

first of all, if you haven't visited Chicklet in a while -- do so.  quickly.  i'll wait. 

news in my life --  AF has returned.  i have been waiting for her with a fervor not seen since back in the day when i wanted to AVOID getting pregnant (something i thought would be EASY to do! ha!).  okay, probably not quite that much, but i have been waiting and waiting. 

so, suddenly i feel like i'm back on the horse.  as Auden was DIY, i'm in a very awkward place.  my GP doesn't see the need to rush things.  me?  i was asking her about metformin when we were in for A's nine-month well-baby checkup.   it's not so much that i want to rush things either. . .but i'm 36, want another baby, and it took us two years to get pregnant with Auden.  why wait?  why mess around?  

then there's the flip side.  i'm also afraid that i've set myself up for a hard fall.  after my m/c in May of 07, i got pregnant with Auden in July.  everyone told me that sometimes it just takes the body a while to figure out "what to do," and now that mine had, we won't have any problems.  ever. again.  i find myself almost like i erased my history. . . like a newly wed trying to get pregnant for the first time.  it will be easy!  let's just do this!

i really hope that comes true.

but i'm searching Craig's's list for a clear.blue fertil1ty m0nitor. 

am i nuts?

in other happenings, things are good.  Auden is amazing, and my love for him grows by the second.  my return to work is all too quickly approaching.  i honestly don't know how i'll manage leaving him.  we're visiting the day care we hope to get into tomorrow.  hopefully i won't sob like an idiot during the tour.  i got so sad today while we were having our usual AM nursing/snuggle session.  we usually lay around for an hour and a half - two hours nursing, playing, and reading books.  i love that time SO much, and with every day that passes the end of these types of mornings is getting closer and closer.  i'm so lucky to have had all this time with him, and so grateful for every little second.   he is the love of my life. 

here is a vid from about a month ago.  i'm telling you, this boy has springs in his toes. 

more jumping jumping jumping from Megan on Vimeo.

memorial

no words, just a link for you to follow:

http://mommazen.blogspot.com/2009/02/not-first-not-last.html 

POAS much?

i am perhaps certifiable.  i POAS this morning...why?  because my wrists have been hurting in the mornings over the past week.  they only other time they have ever bothered me was during my pregnancy.  i thought, "if my wrists hurt, maybe i'm knocked up! yea! how miraculous!" 

my period hasn't even started up again and here i am peeing on sticks.   i suppose it's a sickness one never really shakes.  what is perhaps more appalling is the MASS of sticks i have to pee on -- both HCG and OPKs.  it's ridiculous.

happy new year!

dreams do come true.   i'm so grateful for so many things that happened this year, and i look forward to all of the changes that 2009 will bring.  i wish all of you the best for the coming year... lots of love.  xoxo

neko causes serious giggles from Megan on Vimeo.